Shrek meets The X-Men
by Blimey The Toad
Summary: Read the dang 'ol title!
1. Chapter 1: Sinister's Sinister Plan

Shrek Meets The X-Men  
  
Chapter 1: Sinister's Sinister Plan  
  
Uh, hey ya'll! This here is a Shrek/X-Men crossover. I don't think this has been done before. I love both Shrek and the X-Men and thought, what the hell. So, here it is. Not a whole lot of Shrek *yet*, but I had to show how the X-Men got to Duloc. Next chapter, Shrek and the X-Men see Farquaad in an attempt to get his swamp back, and try to find a witch of some sort to send the X-Men back. See ya again next time! (Pre-Fiona for now, but not for long... I like her...)  
  
**********  
  
Sinister sat in his study, once again brooding because he had been beaten by the X-Men for the 800 billionth time, and he was getting pretty sick of it.  
  
"I can live forever, yes, but I want to put my plans into action *now*, dammit!" he cried in his sickly metallic voice, slamming his large fist on the heavy, steel table. His outburst caught the attention of one of his minions, a large, blonde man by the name of Victor "Sabretooth" Creed. Creed was a large man, and fairly unintelligent looking. That's where people had him wrong. You had to be smart to stay alive when you have so many people wanting your head, Wolverine and Gambit being towards the top of the list.  
  
"I would do anything to get rid of those X-bastards myself, Essex, but they just won't die. Perhaps we could knock 'em off one at a time, but they always travel in packs, the cowards..."  
  
"I wish they didn't exist. I more than want them dead, I don't want them on the Earth, even six-feet-underground is too damn good for them. I want them so far away from here that even memories of them are non- existant. I want them out of this solar system, out of this galaxy..."  
  
"...out of this reality." Sabretooth said, a cruel grin spread across his face.  
  
"What are you talking about, Creed?"  
  
"Cheney, boss. Lila Cheney."  
  
**********  
  
Lila Cheney had just retired to her bedroom; she was taking a break from touring, and had decided to vacation on Earth this time. She had heard so many things about France that she just had to visit it. She smiled as she thought about the many French men she had danced with at the party just a few hours before, and how more than a few had tried to get her drunk enough to let them share her bed with them, even for just a night. Trying to take advantage of her.  
  
'Being gorgeous does have it's drawbacks, I guess' she thought. But, it had gotten her quite a few free drinks. She smiled once more as she yawned and pulled the blanket tightly around her. It her mind, though, it was well worth it. She closed her eyes, and was nearly asleep when a deep, evil voice woke her.  
  
"Hey, sweetheart. This is gonna be the longest nap you've ever taken." Her last sight was of a hulking blonde giant above her, teeth gleaming in the moonlight. A second later, her neck was snapped and her world grew dark.  
  
**********  
  
"So, the plan is we clone the bitch, but cut her memory out, right?"  
  
"Not exactly, Creed. We don't 'cut her memories out'. What we do is brainwash her into thinking she is a Marauder, like yourself. Then she will do the work, no questions asked."  
  
"Oh. How long does the process take, the brainwashing and cloning and everything."  
  
"In my special cloning chamber, two weeks." Sabretooth nodded his head, and went back to his quarters.  
  
**********  
  
*Two Weeks Later, Xavier's mansion, Westchester, New York*  
  
The X-Men were assembled in the main den, surrounding a television. They had recently put in 'The Waterboy' DVD, and were currently mocking Gambit.  
  
'First, dat damn Cajun Man skit on Saturday night Live, now dis! You *will* pay, Adam Sandler.' Gambit was not amused by any of it, but everyone else was.  
  
Bobby was having the most fun with it, bringing up every damn cajun thing he could. "I tol' ya'll dis movie be good."  
  
"Look, Bobby, any more a dis an' I will beat you, I..."  
  
"Gar-ahn-tee?" Bobby put in.  
  
"Gaaaaaaargh!" Gambit lunged at Bobby, but was distracted by a sudden bright light in the middle of the room. All of the X-Men's attention were focused on it, eyes wide. Suddenly, then light died down, and Lila Cheney stood before them.  
  
"Hey there, Lila. Ya scared us there for a minute!"  
  
"Somethin' don' smell right," Logan growled. He sniffed the air again, and started to say something, but was cut off by Lila.  
  
"I have a message from Sinister. He says 'Goodbye'." Before anyone could think, they were all engulfed by the light, and when it dimmed, they and Lila were all in the middle of a large forest, but unlike any forest they'd ever seen. It all looked so... surreal.  
  
Suddenly, Cyclops spoke up. "Lila, take us back, now!" It would have been funny at any other time, considering the situation they all were in, and Cyclops still trying to give orders. But this time, it was not.  
  
"Sorry, Scott. I am unable to comply."  
  
"What the hell? That sure don't sound like the Lila Ah know! Look, Cheney, jus' take us all back, and we'll pretend like this whole thang nevah happened, 'kay, sugah?"  
  
"Rogue, unable to comply." With that, she pulled a revolver from her pocket, and before anyone could say or do anything else, she put it to her head and pulled the trigger. They were all speechless and confused, and wishing like mad that it was all a dream. They soon found out it wasn't. All of the X-Men suddenly turned around at the sound of a booming, scottish voice.  
  
"What're ya doin' in my swamp?" A large, green man with oddly shaped ears asked of them, a tad rudely. He suddenly noticed the dead woman, gun in hand and blood pooling around her.  
  
"Ah, shit..." he managed. "Uh, er, what I meant to say was, welcome to my swamp." Hank stepped out from the group, trying to be diplomatic, but it didn't have the desired effect.  
  
"Argh, ya're here to kill me, eh? I'll fight ye, to the death! All a ye!" Suddenly, a donkey strolled over the hilltop, humming happily to himself, until he noticed the group.  
  
"Oh, my god! Shrek! What's goin' on here, man. I thought chu said you don't have many guests, and here I see... one, two... well, that's as high as I can count, but there's a lot more than that, an'..."  
  
"Oh my stars and garters..." Beast mumbled.  
  
"...it talks!" Beast and Donkey said in unison, refering to each other.  
  
"Look, bub. We don't care 'bout yer damn swamp, we just want out of here. Where the flamin' hell are we, anyways?"  
  
"Ah... yer in a swamp, on the outskirts of Duloc."  
  
"Duloc? What country is this?"  
  
"Country? Ah... I don't know. Never given it much thought. You know, Donkey?"  
  
"Nope, Shrek, can't say that I do. I mean, up until earlier today, all I've ever seen was that nasty old woman's back yard, and she never told me nothin' bout any kind of country, or anything. I'm tellin' you, it was awful there! All I ever got to eat was..."  
  
"Shut up!" Yelled Storm. Even she was pushed to her limits by the annoying jackass. Everyone slowly turned towards her, their jaws hanging. "Huh? Storm?"  
  
Suddenly, though, they were distracted by Jean. "I... you guys?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I scanned his mind, and, um... we're in some sort of fairy tale land."  
  
Everone looked around their group, everyone unsure and pretty frightened. "A... er, a fairy tale land? That, Jean, is scientifically impossible! There is no way we are in a fairy tale land. I mean, seriously, that... are you sure?"  
  
Shrek, however, wasn't concerned about that. "You did what to my mind? Y-You invade my land, scare me outta m'wits, then ye scan me without my permission! What is a 'scan', anyways?"  
  
"I read your thoughts, to make sure you weren't lying, and to get some information."  
  
"Oh, really. How 'bout that. Well, DON'T DO IT AGAIN, A'RIGHT!"  
  
"Shrek, what I said about your breath, man, I wasn't kidding! You seriously do need..."  
  
"Shut up!" Everyone shouted at him, with the exception of Bobby, who was just glad it wasn't him being yelled at this time.  
  
"So, what do we do about this?" Asked Storm.  
  
"We'll think about this overnight. Hey, uh, Shrek, can we stay with you tonight?"  
  
"I... I don't guess I really have much of a choice... but just fer a night, a'right? I'm gettin' a headache a'ready..." The large green guy shook his head in a sign of defeat. He walked towards his house, Donkey and X-Men in tow, all silent except for the constantly chattering Donkey and Bobby.  
  
**********  
  
Uhm... the end for now... next chapter coming up soon, if I recieve any good reviews saying that I should. Er... thaz it. 


	2. Chapter 2: To Duloc We Shall Go

Oh, BTW, I don't own Shrek, the X-Men, or anything else. I blatantly ripped some lines from the movie. They may not be exact, as I'm doing it from memory, but I think it was neccessary. You can decide. If ya read, please review, it's only proper!  
  
This is Blimey The Toad, signing off.  
  
Chapter Two: To Duloc We Shall Go  
  
Shrek motioned towards a giant tree that had been hollowed and turned into a house of some sort.  
  
"This is my home. That is the outhouse. I guess you'll want t'eat, eh?"  
  
"Uhm... yeah, sure Shreky, but-"  
  
"Do NOT call me Shreky. It is Shrek, nothin' more, nothin' less."  
  
"Oh... sorry. So, uh, what's for dinner?"  
  
"Well, little, uh, Bobby is it? Tonight, it is swamp fish in a red slug sauce."  
  
"Ew! That's, like, gross!"  
  
"Shut up, Bobby." Ordered Scott.  
  
Bobby turned to Donkey. "So, Donkey, what are you going to have?"  
  
"Well, me, being a donkey and all, I guess I'll be having some grass or something similar, ya know, 'cause grass is what us donkey's eat. Maybe we get a few grains every now and then, but grass tends to be the main part of the diet. I tell you, I have had all sorts of grass!"  
  
"Me too! I especially love that really thick grass, 'Snake Weed' is it...?"  
  
"Bobby, you are the one who ate my plants! You said it was Wolverine, when he went all feral there for awhile!"  
  
"Uh... um... sorry?"  
  
"You said it was me, bub? I'll slice 'n dice ya fer lyin' ta 'Ro, ya little...!"  
  
"Not now, Logan! We need as many people alive as possible until we get home. It can wait."  
  
"Hey, now, I don't wanna die! Not at home, even!"  
  
Logan eyed Bobby viciously, wondering if anyone would believe him if he said he "went feral" again and killed Bobby. He decided noone would probably care one way or the other.  
  
"Alright, I c'n wait."  
  
Bobby quickly moved to the other side of Donkey.  
  
Storm spoke up. "Shrek, where are we going to sleep? You don't seem to have enough room."  
  
"Aw, I can make room somewhere."  
  
"Wait, Shrek, you said I had to stay outside. That's not fair! I found you first, which means I got dibs, which means...!"  
  
"You, Donkey, stay outside, because that's where jackasses belong."  
  
"Hey, I don't wanna be outside!" Bobby whined.  
  
"Sorry, Bobby. Gotta follow de rules an' all." Gambit walked inside after Shrek, and was followed by the rest of the X-Men (sans Bobby). Bobby looked sad at first, but Donkey approached him.  
  
"Hey, man! Least you ain't alone... I'm here. Now neither of us are alone. I mean, if I was you, I'd be scared to stay in the same *county* as that hairy guy. He seems to have something against you. Or maybe it's just a stick of some sort jammed up his..."  
  
"Shut up, Donkey. One more word outta either of you, I'll skin ya both." Wolverine then unsheathed his claws to show them both that he meant business.  
  
And the household was quiet into the night.  
  
**********  
  
Their quiet was soon interupted.  
  
*BANG*  
  
"Whot the... is that you, Donkey? Bobby? Stop playin' in the damn kitchen, you two. I told you both to stay outside."  
  
"We *are* outside, Shrek!"  
  
"I thought I told you two t' stay quiet!" Growled Wolverine.  
  
"But Shrek talked first!" Whined Bobby.  
  
"I'll let it slip this time, but next-"  
  
"Shh! There's someone in m' house!"  
  
"Well, yeah, Shrek. Dere's me, Roguey here, Ol' One Eye over dere, an'-"  
  
"Besides you guys, moron. Let me go check it out." Shrek stood up and tip- toed into the kitchen, but at frist could see nothing... until a flash of white caught his eye. He quickly lit up the candle on the table, and was able to make out a small figure wearing sunglasses. A small... mouse?  
  
"C'mere y' little rodent!" He tried to catch it, but was unsuccessful. The one rodent was joined by two others, all little white scoundrels, all in tiny pairs of sunglasses.  
  
The one he noticed first ran up his arm, then called down to his little friends.  
  
"I found some cheese!" The apparently blind mouse was faced towards Shrek's ear, drooling hungrily. CHOMP!  
  
"Ew, awful stuff!"  
  
"Get back here, y' little pest."  
  
Shrek grabbed all three of the mice by their tails. "What are you doing here!"  
  
Suddenly, a glass box with a pale young woman in it was placed upon the table.  
  
"Wait, get broad *off* the table!"  
  
Shrek heard his name being called, cutting off what the 7 men were going to say.  
  
"Uh, Shrek, sugah... thar appears ta be... a wolf in lady's clothes in ya're bed."  
  
"Huh?" Shrek quickly raced down the hall to his bedroom, where, sure enough, a cross-dressing canine was in his bed. He was, however, quickly yanked from the bed by Rogue.  
  
"Ah don't think ya'll was invited. An' that means Ah don't think ya'll should *be* here." Rogue threw him outside, but was suprised by what she found. A very upset, angrier-than-Wolverine Shrek was staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed out at his front yard, which was currently covered by tents and many... things... running around.  
  
"Wow, Gambit don' 'member dem bein' dere a little while ago!" He, of course, got slapped by Rogue, Jean, and Storm.  
  
"What are they doing here, and you'd better have some damn good answers." Wolverine turned towards Bobby and Donkey.  
  
"Uh... permission to speak?"  
  
"Just answer me, damnit!"  
  
"We didn't invite 'em, they just showed up alla the sudden."  
  
"Why didn't you say anything to us about it?!"  
  
"Um, well, we didn't want to die."  
  
Wolverine slapped his forehead in frustration, and gave up on the two jabbering morons.  
  
Shrek was currently addressing the crowd.  
  
"... well, nobody *invited* us! We were forced to come here."  
  
"By who?"  
  
"Lord Farquaad. He huffed, und he puffed, und he... signed an eviction notice."  
  
"Does anyone know where this... Farquaad guy is?"  
  
Noone answered, as they feared Farquaad's wrath. Only Donkey admitted to knowing where Farquaad was staying. Shrek agreed to help the little freaks, as he wanted his swamp back, and eventually enlisted the help of the X-Men. They set off that night, to the sound of cheering. The crowd didn't seem to mind that Shrek was doing this all because of pure selfishness. They didn't want to be in the smelly, dirty swamp any more than he wanted them to be.  
  
"See, I told ya I knew where it was!" Everyone rolled their eyes, except for Bobby.  
  
"I knew you would, Donkey. You're a genius, my little buddy!" Everyone groaned. Bobby sucking up to Donkey, and he was eating it up. They had heard nothing but their chatter all night.  
  
Shrek noticed a man in a giant head a little ways ahead, so he called to him. However, a giamt green ogre, a big furry guy, a talking donkey, a guy with red eyes, and an assortment of other odd charectors caused him to be afraid, and run away.  
  
"Ahhhhhhhh!" He cried, as he ran through the line, trying desparately to escape. However, Wolverine sliced through all of the ropes and caught him. "Ain't polite ta ignore a guy tryin' ta ask ya something, now is it?" The guys started to cry, so Wolverine punched him.  
  
"Now why'd ya go do that for, Logan! Now we can't ask him anything!" Wolverine just grunted, so Shrek gave up and slipped through the little twirley-gate (I don't remember what it's called).  
  
He looked around, and noticed it was quiet. Too quiet. And so he told everyone.  
  
"Not that quiet." Said Wolverine. I can hear stuff."  
  
"Yeah, just cause you're a little dog-man don't mean you need to go trying t' be better'n everyone else, Mr. My Ears Can Hear Stuff Better'n Yours!"  
  
"I would stop now... Shreky."  
  
"I said NO SHREKY!"  
  
"Boys, break it up. I found something." Jean pointed towards a booth with 'Information' written in pretty little letters across it's side. Scott approached it and pulled the convenient little lever. It ticked away, slowly, but getting faster. Scott prepared to scorch it, as Logan unsheathed his claws.  
  
The doors swung open to show a bunch of little puppets, who began to sing.  
  
"Welcome to Duloc, Such a Perfect town"  
  
Wolverine fell to his knees, stuffed his fingers into his ears, and let loose a blood-curdling wail.  
  
"Here we have some rules, let us lay them down."  
  
Everyone was frozen in shock at the sight of the wooden puppets, and hardly noticed Logan's agony. As everyone else stood in place, dumbstruck, Logan slowly began to crawl towards the infernal machine.  
  
"Don't make waves, stay in line"  
  
Inching forward...  
  
"And we'll get along fine"  
  
Almost there..  
  
"Duloc is the perfect tow-gurgle gasp gurgle..." SLASH CRACK BAM SHA-BLAM KER-SHAW BASH SLASH SLASH BREAK...  
  
Everyone was quickly awaken from their trance, to see Wolverine slashing wildly into a wooden booth, while screaming madly. Cyclops screamed as well, and sent his optic blasts towards the contraption, followed by Rogue pummeling it with her bare hands, and finally Gambit charged, and exploded, the little wooden chips that were left. Storm began to speak after everyone had regained control.  
  
"This never happened. There was no evil torture machine, we did not destroy anything, and it was like this when we found it. Agreed?" Everyone looked at the crater that used to be the information booth, and nodded their agreement. It would help them sleep, without having it interupted by nightmares, if the last 2 minutes were erased from their memory. They began to walk off, but were interupted by a soft clicking noise.  
  
*click... click... click...*  
  
They turned around to see one of the dolls crawling towards them, face charred, jaw hanging loosely.  
  
"That... *cough*... was not... perfect. You... will... pay-"  
  
Cyclops let loose another optic blast, and the doll was gone.  
  
"Um... shall we continue on?" Said Shrek, who had until this point not borne witness to their powers. He was pretty scared. But not Donkey.  
  
"Wow! That was amazing, you guys. Can you teach me how to do that! Please o please o pleeeease!"  
  
"No, Donkey, we were born with it. Like you were born being able to talk." Bobby tried to explain it to Donkey. Donkey, however, wasn't satisfied.  
  
"I got jipped! I wanna shoot things from my eyes! Hey, Scott, can I trade you powers?"  
  
"Shut up." Was Scott's response.  
  
"Now, I'm getting pretty sick of that damn phrase. I will *not* shut up, you hear me! I will keep on talkin', cause...!" Rogue suddenly touched his nose, and Donkey was out cold.  
  
"Thanks, Stripey." Said Shrek.  
  
"It's *Rogue*; got it, fatty?"  
  
"Who you callin' fat, ye little anerexic skunk?"  
  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhh!"  
  
Rogue leapt at him, and began a knock-down, drag-out fight that would make any WWF wrestler proud.  
  
Donkey and Bobby stared on, smiling and cheering. Gambit watched Rogue's butt the whole time, Jean walked around aimlessly with a dumb grin on her face, Beast had started collecting samples from this weird planet to study later, and Scott and Wolverine were busy buying some hot dogs.  
  
Storm had a feeling this was going to be a very long journey home.  
  
**********  
  
Um... I didn't get to Farquaad, did I? Uh... sorry. I will post again soon. This didn't really go in the direction I planned, so I don't know if i like it or not. I may change it if I get some requests to do so. Uh... review, please, and have a great day! Farquaad next chapter, I SWEAR! 


End file.
